My Weight Loss Journey: How I lost 90lbs

TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses my personal experiences with an eating disorder.

I remember the moment so vividly:

It was mid-July 2019, I was staying at a cabin with some friends for the weekend. On our last day, I was sitting by the river on my own, and as I was appreciating the beauty that is the Pacific Northwest, I had an epiphany…

I said to myself “When you come home, everything is going to change. Tomorrow, you’re going to the gym and you’ll be consistent. You will eat much better from now on. And this time, you’re never going to look back.”

And I never looked back.

I had struggled with my weight for most of my life. Not coming from a health-oriented family, the home pantry was usually stocked with chips, candy, pastries, basically every hyper-palatable food you can imagine. Unfortunately, because of this, I adopted poor eating habits from a very young age, which caused me to become overweight. Plus, I hated exercise.

The Early Days (2005ish)

For most of my life, I was told I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, etc. This lead to incredibly low self-esteem & a virtually non-existent sense of self-worth. Food was there to comfort me. Fortunately, in middle school I became involved with choir and performing, which made me much happier overall. I still wasn’t eating well or exercising, but at least I had something to look forward to every day. I was still considered overweight for my age/height, but I wasn’t rapidly gaining.

2012-2013

….Until senior year of high school. I put on 40lbs within a year. This was extremely difficult to cope with, and my self-esteem hit an all-time low. I graduated high school feeling depressed and hopeless, unsure of my future plans and feeling as if I could never fully express my true self. Always being told:

“Just image how beautiful you would be….if you lost weight”

“You have to lose weight if you want a good job or if you want certain opportunities” 

“If you don’t lose weight, no guy would ever want to be with you” 

I was made to feel like my weight held me back from everything. As if my life could never truly begin until I reach a weight deemed desirable by everyone else. Of course, this is not actually true. Everyone of any body weight or size is worthy. Unfortunately, nobody told me that growing up. I so desperately desired the life I thought I would have if I lost weight, while simultaneously feeling completely unworthy of it. It was a toxic combination that lead to a nonstop self-destructive cycle. At times, I felt absolutely hopeless…yet even in the darkest times, there was a  small glimmer of belief in myself. So anytime I would “start my diet tomorrow” or stop going to the gym after a week, a part of me knew that somehow, someday, things would get better…and maybe it would be soon. 

I actually wasn’t completely wrong. 

2014

Thanks to a new retail job that required me to be on my feet for 8 hours a day, I lost 30lbs after about a year 1/2 of graduating high school. I was definitely feeling better about myself in many ways. Yes, the weight loss was nice, but I also really enjoyed being more active and working hard at a job. Other parts of my life were slowly coming together as well. Life was looking up.

2016

I was a college student & living in my first apartment with my former significant other and started to become interested in eating healthier. 2016 was the year where I was first introduced to nutrition and fitness. Suddenly, I was obsessed with making overnight oats and going to my daily yoga class. I had never been healthier or fitter in my life! My weight was going down and I was feeling amazing. Here I was, taking control over my life. Unfortunately, my happy streak was not meant to last.

2017

In mid-2017, my life began to fall apart. I was going through a variety of life changes that felt impossible to handle with at the time. Similar to my childhood tendencies, I turned to food to cope. Also, I completely stopped going to the gym and yoga.

I spent most of Summer 2017 sitting on the coach, binge eating, and disconnecting from my self. By the end of the year, I gained 50lbs and was at the highest weight of my life. My binge eating was out of control. I was so inactive, my entire body constantly felt restless and my alertness and mental clarity were diminishing. All of the weight-related insecurities that haunted me for most of my life were returning. Once again, I felt as if I was crumbling into pieces.

2018

Here I was in my senior year of college: Holding a coveted research assistant position, was a Dean’s List student, and was involved in a number of great professional opportunities and projects, and I had never felt more miserable in my life. I gained another 20lbs, which meant that I gained a total of 70lbs within a year.

Gaining that much weight is painful for many reasons. One of them being that it’s impossible to hide. I felt as though the pain I was going through was visible to everyone, and everyone could see that I was losing a battle with myself.

I had no idea what to do. Obviously, I needed help, but treatment is quite expensive and part of me didn’t feel ready. I tried to get my binge episodes under control on my own, and had mixed success. Some weeks I could do ok, other weeks I felt more self-destructive than ever. Fortunately, I didn’t give up. By some miracle, sometime in March or April of 2018, I would say my binging was about 70% under control, which was worlds better than I was before.

Was I eating well? no

Was I exercising? no

Was I happy? Absolutely not.

But I was making a step in the right direction..AND I was coming to a place of acceptance with my body for the first time, so that was a pretty decent victory in an otherwise dark time.

In June 2018, I graduated from college and spent the next month in Europe. I still wasn’t in a great place, but I did love traveling and experienced moments of happiness I had never really felt before. But once I came home from that beautiful distraction, I was forced to once again face reality.

September 2018-June 2019

This was a strange time. I was trying so hard to find my confidence, while also continuing to struggle. This was a time where I felt more disconnected to myself than ever. Not only that, I was completely disconnected to my friends, work, etc. I had the mental capacity to get out of bed each morning, but I wasn’t able to do much more than that.

I remember spending that period of time just staring at my phone for hours at a time, finding it nearly impossible to be in the present moment. In hindsight, I am so grateful that I still have many of the same friends and kept my jobs. I was in no way my best self to anyone around me. Between the constant self-sabotage and my inability to do anything substantial, this year was well….kinda awful. But it often takes a really difficult time in life to truly learn and do better. I didn’t see that at the time, but that’s exactly what it was. 

July 2019

It’s a relief to have reached the point in my story where I had that life-changing epiphany by the river.

But I have to be honest…2 nights before that moment, I had a complete breakdown.

I certainly knew that I hadn’t been happy in a couple years, and that I was nowhere even close to embodying the type of person I’d like to be. But it wasn’t until that weekend that it had completely hit me that I was so miserable to the point where those years felt completely wasted. I was finally done. Done self-sabotaging. Done being miserable. I think at some point, you get tired of your own BS, and at last, I reached that moment. I ended the weekend with that beautiful epiphany that I will never forget, and came home ready to get to work. 

September 2019

2 months into my journey and I was already down about 25-30lbs or so! I spent 30-60 minutes on the elliptical for 5 days/week, and was tracking my calories to ensure I was eating in a moderate deficit. After feeling disconnected from everything for such a long time, it was amazing to feel dedicated to something. I was really taking it seriously and was enjoying every single day. I still allowed myself plenty of cheat days and was slowly but surely learning to eat a little more mindfully. It was still so early on that I couldn’t see dramatic changes quite yet, but things were definitely looking up!

November 2019

I would say this was the point where I was really seeing my hard work pay off, and so were others. I had lost about 40-45lbs, and was starting to feel like a new person in a way. Plus, I was receiving so many amazing compliments from those around me. Nothing had really changed in my daily routine, still lots of cardio and ensuring I was eating in a deficit. 

December 2019

I was even making amazing progress in my personal life! Despite my fears, I booked a two-week solo trip to Europe and had the most amazing time of my life. I was down 50lbs and I really noticed how my efforts were paying off beyond weight loss. Walking around Europe this time around was about 100x easier than the year 1/2 before. I remember having moments of such intense happiness. Surprisingly, I even lost some weight in Europe despite basically living off of bread, butter, and chocolate! 

I came home and ended the year on a positive note. Still nowhere near where I wanted to be, but so proud of myself for how far I had come. I was finally taking control of my life. 

February 2020

At the start of 2020, I was ready to switch things up a bit. Since I was only doing cardio for the first 6 months, I was feeling bored and and it was getting a little too easy. For 3 days/week, I added weight training into my gym routine.

This was very challenging and I didn’t really know what I was doing. I chuckle at my original plan: I just kinda trained whatever muscle group, and didn’t do any of the exercises in any particular order. This was actually fine at first…I liked the change and my body was responding well. I was down about 60lbs and was feeling more and more confident every day. 

April 2020

As soon as I was getting the hang of weight training…gyms closed. 

I had some weights at home, but ultimately decided to take a pause and just go back to doing light cardio. I focused on my diet, and having some extra time to relax was actually really beneficial.

By the end of April, I lost a total of 70bs. Finally, the weight I gained from my binging cycle was finally gone. This was probably the most relieving moment of my journey. That dark time finally felt behind me, and it truly was. Since I was stuck at home, I had plenty of time to have some difficult conversations with myself and to make sense of how the last couple years played out. I forgave myself for my past and decided to focus on the present. I decided to love myself unconditionally. For that, while the pandemic was extremely difficult for my family, I am grateful that it gave me the opportunity to reflect, which lead to me becoming a much happier, positive person. 

May 2020

May 2020 was especially significant because I decided to give weight training another go. This time, I did proper research on what types of exercises I should be doing, and I committed to a 5-day routine. I’ll be completely honest and say that the first couple weeks were difficult, and yes, I had moments where I felt like giving up….but fortunately I didn’t. 

June 2020

I turned 26 in June, and this was probably the happiest birthday I had in 4-5 years. 

In comparison to the year before (I remember being extremely sad on my 25th birthday), my life had made quite the 180. I was happy, comfortable in my own skin, and had never felt more optimistic about my future. 

Knowing that I spent the last 11 months showing up for myself and not giving up even when it was tempting gave me a feeling of pure bliss. I was so proud of myself. 

I decided that fitness is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My life had changed drastically and I was finally embracing this whole “self-love” thing. However, those dark 2 years that lead up to this moment was still fresh in my mind. I remember the mental blocks I had to overcome to get started. I remember how intimidating and scary it was to go back to the gym. I’ll never forget how rude people were to me at my highest weight. These feelings fueled my decision and enthusiasm to enroll in a personal training certification course. I had no idea where it was going to take me, but I decided that if I could give back in some way, this new journey would be well worth it. 

July 2020

My one-year fitness anniversary had come at last! On July 15, 2020, I was down a total of 83lbs. 

Also, I was taking my personal training and nutrition courses, was training at the gym (and finally lifting some heavy weights), and felt so proud of myself. It’s still so amazing to think about how simply showing up for myself every day added up to something so significant. 

I took some time to reflect and appreciate the past year, but I also felt ready to keep on going. I said to myself “If I could get this far in a year, just imagine what’s possible if I keep going for another year. Especially since I’ve learned so much”. Little did I know, I still had SO much to learn….

October 2020

If I had to pick the most frustrating/difficult part of my journey thus far, it was definitely October 2020. 

I had lost a total of about 87lbs, which meant that in my mind, I hit my first real plateau. 

I was lifting heavy weights 5x per week and doing regular cardio. My diet was kinda iffy. I was for the most part eating well, but I do remember being very indulgent at times, which I think was because I was so hungry all the time from lifting. I was squatting 180lbs and deadlifting 200lbs…turns out your body needs lots of food to keep up. 

Since I wasn’t really losing weight anymore, I honestly felt discouraged. 

It wasn’t until I looked at a photo of myself in October compared to a few months earlier that I realized…..I was progressing after all. 

I had muscle definition and looked leaner overall compared to the summer. 

It turns out I was experiencing body recomposition. Which basically means I was gaining muscle and losing fat. Muscle weighs about the same as fat, so of course my weight wasn’t changing. 

October was a significant month because it taught me that while I started my journey with the purpose of losing weight, my “why” would evolve over time. There is more to progress than weight loss. And on top of seeing improvements in my appearance, I was also feeling much better and was having FUN at the gym. The gym was my happy place, and getting stronger felt so empowering. 

Sometimes…setbacks aren’t setbacks after all…..

December 2020

….Which leads me to perhaps my biggest setback on this journey. And it was something mostly out of my control.

In November 2020, gyms were closed again, which actually sort of worked out fine because I was having recurring issues with my tonsils. Since I was 15, I would get tonsillitis every 3-4 years or so, but never like this…. Even after taking steroids and antibiotics, my tonsils never fully recovered and only ended up getting worse. 

In the beginning of December, I was in constant pain and discomfort. I was struggling to breathe properly, could barely swallow foods or fluids, and sleep was basically nonexistent. 

Reaching my breaking point, I went to Urgent Care first thing one morning, and the doctor there basically told me that I needed to go to the Emergency Room immediately because I had what’s called peritonsillar abscess, and one of my tonsils was so swollen, it was taking over my entire mouth. 

I spent 5 hours at the ER that day, and ended up getting my tonsil drained which gave me instant relief. This was a really crappy time, but I am honestly grateful for it in a way…

At the peak of my pain and discomfort, I remember missing the days where I felt well enough to do whatever I wanted/needed to. 

I thought about how I wanted to start really making the most of every single day, and that as soon as I recovered, I would work harder towards being the best version of myself. When I was feeling better, I focused on studying my personal training exam, applying to grad school, and setting some goals. 

A few days before Christmas, I officially became an NASM Certified Personal Trainer. It was an amazing and relieving ending to the craziness that was 2020.

January 2021

I started 2021 off by having my tonsils removed. The recovery process is actually really difficult- it’s hard to do much of anything except lay around and wallow in self-pity. 

But alas…I did make a full recovery and was feeling a lot better by the end of the month. While January wasn’t exactly the most productive month, I did start my fitness Instagram account, became certified in virtual personal training, and had officially lost 90lbs. 

March 2021

I was recently hired as a personal trainer and am loving it so far. I learn so much every day, and I love knowing that I am part of my clients’ personal journey. Since I remember how uncomfortable and difficult it can be to 1. start and 2. stay consistent, I am proud of them for showing up and working hard. I hope to see many of their transformations over time.

Currently, I am still sitting at a weight loss of about 90-93lbs. Yes, my weight loss has slowed again, but I am also working towards building muscle, so I am happy with my progress. 

It took a year 1/2, and I’m actually really happy with that pace. I didn’t opt for quick fixes and never deprived myself. I just one day decided that I was going to change my life forever, and that’s exactly what I did. 

Anytime someone asks what my secrets are, while I’ve learned a lot along the way and have plenty of insights to offer, I’ve found that the best advice I have is: 

1. START

2. BE CONSISTENT

I know this probably doesn’t seem helpful at all, but it really is that simple. Starting and consistency are the 2 most difficult aspects of the journey. You can learn the details along the way. Your exercise routine, meal plan, etc. can (and will) change along the way, but you can’t make any progress if you don’t decide to start and stick with it.

What’s Next?

Looking forward, I feel a lot of freedom in my goals and intentions. 

Do I want to keep losing weight? Maybe. I do have physique goals in mind, but I don’t have a “goal weight” anymore. My main body goal is having the fittest, healthiest version of my own body. Whatever that looks like. While I could potentially see myself eventually losing another 10-15lbs at some point, I am in no rush to get there. Plus, I do want to keep building muscle. 

Ultimately, my main goal now is giving back. I started my first job as a personal trainer in the beginning of the month, and I’ve already learned so much. I want to begin training virtually as well, as it is much easier to work with anyone on a more flexible basis. 

Additionally, I plan to continue working on content related to my journey. Now that I’ve shared my story (so far), I want to get more into detail and give more practical tips and advice I’ve learned along the way. My diet, my workouts, staying motivated, etc. I remember how difficult and confusing it can be to start, and I’m more than happy to help others who are going through similar struggles I experienced. 

That moment in July changed my life forever, and I truly believe that this is only the beginning in many ways. Every single day is an opportunity to show up for myself, and I aspire to make the mess that was my past my message going forward. It only took my entire life, but I finally showed up for myself the way I subconsciously always knew I deserved. 

I don’t know what exactly the future holds, but one thing is for certain, I will keep showing up.